WHAT CAUSED IT, DO YOU THINK?
It’s hard to say. Perhaps it was down to that particular company; perhaps it was down to my choice to work the hours that I did. There is an expectation that you need to work hard, because you need to be seen to be doing all “the right things”. I had lots of big projects on. I was emotionally tired from restructuring teams. I had a long commute and lots of admin. Combined with a breakup, well, it tipped me over the edge.
HOW DID IT MANIFEST ITSELF?
It manifested in subtle ways to begin with. I had insomnia, and I self-prescribed medication for that, which meant I could sleep, but eventually I realized I couldn’t sleep without the pills. Then other symptoms crept in and became more prominent – IBS and eczema. Gradually my neck started to hurt. One day I woke up and couldn't move it. I had to go to the GP. And she immediately told me that I needed to take time off. I told her, “Ok. I just need to go in today and make four people redundant.” And she said, “No. You really have to take a break now.” I think at that point I called my boss. I cried down the phone to them because it all suddenly became real. I took a few weeks off, but because of the stigma around it I didn’t feel I could really share my experience with others. So, I didn’t really get three weeks off; I was still replying to emails and taking calls, just from home. I had this realisation that I’d have to change things drastically if I went back to work. Or I’d have to kind of go and take a long time off. I did the latter. And for the first time ever I focused on my mental and physical health ahead of my career ambitions.
WHAT DID YOU LEARN?
It’s when I understood how important self-care is. I used to think you were just healthy, until you weren’t. But actually, it’s a long-term investment. It’s why I created Create Space, ultimately. After everything happened, I started opening up and telling friends and they started to say they’d been through similar things. I got invited to speak at a mental health event. And I found that although I'm not a specialist, people found hearing my experience useful. I think I posted something online, and I got all the messages saying, “Oh, my God, I'm feeling the exact same way.” And that's what made me realise I'm not the only one.